— Anonymous (via kmattig)
— Anonymous (via kmattig)
You should know that you mean a whole heck of a lot to me. My good days, my bad days, and every day in between, I miss you. I miss the way your smile brings the butterflies from my stomach straight to my throat and I can’t even speak. Days with you were perfect and they were timeless. It was like every moment spent with you would never end. So when they did, it was like trying to imagine we never happened: impossible. The way your fingers fit into mine was like they were meant to be there and your arm circled around my body gave me this sense of security I’ve never felt before. Laughing with you, crying with you, playing with you, and fighting with you? Life didn’t get any better than that. Now that that’s gone, how do we go from here? How do I pretend there’s not a hole in my heart where you’re supposed to be? If it was so easy for you to forget about me, tell me how to do it too because I hate living like you aren’t still apart of me. One day I asked you why you loved me. Your response? “Because you’re you.” How was that so easy to walk away from? I am more confident and more myself with you than anybody else on the entire Earth and you expect me to just forget about that? If I lose you, I lose that. I’ve lost the ability to stand up for myself and fight for what I believe in. Now all I do is fight for you to stay in my life. I’m exhausted, broken, fragile, and vulnerable. This whole game of human dodgeball and being each other’s punching bags isn’t fair. I’m lost without you, but you broke my heart. Finding the line between where we’ve been and where we’re going is like searching for a diamond in a coal mine. I don’t know how to do this, but I want to. I’m scared to see you, but I’m counting down the days. Please don’t let me down. If anything, you owe me this much. You owe me your friendship and you owe me the right to still be angry, frustrated, and hurt. Know that I’m broken and know that you’re the reason why. So, do something about it. I miss my friend, but my heart is fighting with my head because I don’t know where we go from here. I need you to help me through this, but more importantly, I just really need you in my life. I’m sick of pretending that I don’t. I’m not as strong as you’d thought.
Let’s face it, we all know I’m dramatic, but does that give you any reason to walk all over me? I hate that I’ve always been the girl who keeps it together, but the one time in my life I just need to break down, I’m not allowed to without feeling 2 feet tall. It’s not fair. You’re supposed to know me better than anybody else. You’re supposed to be there for me through this. You are supposed to be my shoulder to cry on and my only support system. You’re supposed to be the ones I go to when I’m down or upset, so why is it that youre the ones making me feel like this? Why is what I’m going through not important enough for you to care? And why do I keep coming back to you and putting myself through the fire thinking things will get better? I’m sorry if you don’t want to hear about my drama or the things that have hurt me, but I don’t know who else to go to. What did I do for you to stop caring about me, or have you just been acting this whole time? You don’t know how your words affect me and how the slightest thing can make me feel extremely insignifigant. Maybe it’s because I feel like I have no one else. The people that do know me the best and have been my support system for the last year are gone and that’s not their fault, but it kills me. You are supposed to know me better than anyone else and you don’t, so why did I have to say goodbye to the only person who makes me feel special? Because he left me too. He forgot that I used to mean something to him, so here I am, alone. And why do I feel like I haven’t made any friends here? Why am I always their last option? Why don’t I get invited to go to dinner with them? Why do they do things without even acknowledging that I’m in my room sitting by myself? And why do I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this? Maybe it’s because no one is there. No one cares and no one takes the time to be in my life when I fight to stay in theirs. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Because there is no one else. No one has come into my life and wanted me to stay in theirs without me trying, ever. Why do I try so hard? Why do I want to keep everyone who hurts me around me? Why does this have to be so hard? And why am I never good enough?
I’m so broken. I should be so happy all the time. I should be running around here like a mad woman loving that I’m finally an adult and finally living, breathing, eating, and sleeping in the place I normally find myself the happiest. But I’m not. I’m in my room reading text messages from you while I cry. I feel my heart just sink into the lowest depths of my stomach and I try so hard to contain the anger that is running through my whole body. How could you do this to me? We’re supposed to be friends. You’ve known me longer than most people and know the ins and outs of who I am. How could you pretend I’m nothing to you, that our “friendship” is mearly a used Kleenex you can toss out the window? How can you pretend I don’t mean anything to you and where do you go off thinking I’m some sort of robot who has no feelings? I’m not okay with this. I’m not okay with the way you make me feel and I’m not okay with how much I cry. I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to feel loved. I was supposed to fit in and be somebody, but I’m not. I’m broken, I’m bruised, I’m hurting, I’m scarred, I’m tired, I’m frustrated, I’m annoyed, I’m scared, I’m anxious, I’m everything that makes me so far away from the person I am and the person I want to be because I’m sick, I’m angry, I’m lonely, and I’m defeated. So, I guess it’s time for me to throw off the covers, drag myself out of bed, and put on my mask. To help me pretend I’m happy and I’m hopeful and I’m proud and I’m strong and I’m beautiful. But I’m not. So, here goes nothing, hoping you have tickets to the show.
You’re great. You’ve always been great and in two days when we walk across that stage, I refuse to believe that that is how our story ends. You have been such a vital part of my life and as I’ve learned to be myself, you were always somewhere in the background helping me grow as a person. Whether you were my best friend or a total stranger, something inside of me seeks so desperately for your approval. You’re an incredible person and it bothers me that people don’t tell you that enough. I love you. Like a friend, like a brother, like a part of me, you’re my constant. Just seeing your face for the last four years has been a reminder that even when my world is upside down and life so rapidly changes, there is one thing in this world that will always keep us grounded, keep us home. You were that for me, even on the days you didn’t know it, and a million thank you’s will never be enough. I can’t say goodbye to you, because saying goodbye to you is like accepting that it’s over. That every moment in those hallways is gone and past, that every challenged I faced means nothing, that every smile I had is gone. We’re growing up and that scares me, and even if you didn’t know you meant this much to me, now you do. Because you have and forever always will be the thing that makes me feel safe, like I’m coming home.